Covert narcissism refers to a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) characterized by a more subtle and less overt display of narcissistic traits. Unlike the more easily recognizable grandiosity and self-aggrandizement of overt narcissists, individuals with covert narcissism often present as more introverted, sensitive, and vulnerable.

Victims of this form of abuse are often not believed, as the abuser “appears” to be an upstanding person. That is because, while overt narcissists openly display their grandiosity, covert narcissists typically harbor grandiose fantasies and a sense of superiority that is not readily apparent to others. They hide it from the general public and keep it behind closed doors.

Victims of covert narcissistic abuse can endure various forms of psychological, emotional, and sometimes even physical mistreatment. It's important to recognize that the effects of covert narcissistic abuse are often subtle and insidious, making it challenging for victims to identify and address the abuse.

Covert Narcissists have a specific pattern

  1. Love bombing (idealization phase)

2. Devaluing (breaking your self worth down)

3. Discarding

Some typical manifestations of this abuse may look like the following, and victims may experience one or more (sometimes all) of this type of treatment in relation with a covert narcissist:

Emotional Manipulation & Abuse: The narcissist undermines the victim's perception of reality, making them doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and memories. Dismissing or belittling the victim's emotions, needs, or experiences, making them feel insignificant. Withholding communication and emotional connection as a form of punishment or manipulation. Covert narcissists often deflect blame onto the victim, making them feel guilty for the narcissist's actions.

Psychological Manipulation: The covert narcissist attributes their own negative traits or actions to the victim, deflecting responsibility for their behavior. Blaming the victim for issues or problems within the relationship, even when they are not at fault.

Control & Isolation: Covert narcissists may isolate their victims from friends and family, limiting their support network. Exerting control over various aspects of the victim's life, such as finances, decision-making, and personal choices.

Financial Abuse: Covert narcissists may control the victim's finances, limiting their access to resources and independence.

Sexual Abuse: Covert narcissists may struggle with genuine emotional connection and intimacy, leading to a superficial relationship. Or may withhold emotional or intimate connection as a form of punishment.

Physical Abuse: Covert narcissists may use their physical presence to intimidate and instill fear in their victims. This can involve standing too close, invading personal space, or using threatening gestures. In some cases, covert narcissists may resort to damaging property as a form of expressing anger, frustration, or control. This behavior can be an indirect way of exerting power over the victim. Covert narcissists might physically restrain or block the victim's movement during confrontations or arguments. This can be a way to assert dominance and control.

**It's important to note that physical abuse is never acceptable, regardless of the underlying personality disorder. Please reach out if you’re experiencing physical abuse.

Spiritual Abuse: Refers to a form of manipulation and mistreatment that involves exploiting or distorting spiritual beliefs, practices, or values to control and harm the victim. Covert narcissists may use spiritual or religious elements to exert influence, manipulate emotions, and maintain power over others. Covert narcissists may distort or selectively use spiritual teachings to justify their behavior, manipulate interpretations, or assert moral superiority. Using the victim's faith or spiritual values as a tool for emotional manipulation, coercion, or to extract resources and compliance. The narcissist might exploit religious guilt to control the victim, making them feel sinful or unworthy and using this as a tool for manipulation. “This is what the Sovereign Lord says: I now consider these shepherds my enemies, and I will hold them responsible for what has happened to my flock. I will take away their right to feed the flock, and I will stop them from feeding themselves. I will rescue my flock from their mouths; the sheep will no longer be their prey.” Ez. 34:10 (NLT) - This should get the attention of spiritual leaders using God’s word to keep people in abuse.